Aftermath...

[Devon Eckes]

(Continued from Nightmares thread)

It was no surprise that after the night they'd had they both slept late. It was 11 o'clock in the morning when Devon cracked open his eyes and slipped from the bed. Now that he wasn't in a state of angst his feet and belly hurt. Rave was still sleeping soundly and Devon didn't want to wake him. Wincing as he walked he went to the bathroom and pulled out the first aid kit to doctor himself up.

"Note to self: don't stomp around in broken glass." He muttered to himself as he pulled the shards of beer bottle out of the pads of his feet and dotted them with little round band aids. The burn on his belly was both more and less serious. He was used to burns, and overall it didn't hurt that badly, but...it meant he'd fallen back into a ritual instead of moving forward out of it.

Examining himself in the mirror he saw an average looking young man who's shoulders sloped rather than the nice 45 degree angle...even shirtless he thought he looked bookish because of this, even though he had some definition. His shirt shouldn't rub the burn, so he was good there, he thought as he fingered the round red mark.

He'd have to talk about this in group. He had to find a group. He sighed and washed his face with cold water before putting the first aid kit away and padding out to the kitchen.

A song was forming in his head, swirling around in bits and bobs of words...words about how things changed and stayed the same. "How am I going to handle the change, now that you've gone from take to give..." He mumbled to himself and then scribbled the words down on a back of a receipt from the store before pouring himself a glass of OJ.

[Aiden "Rave" Hamilton]

Rave slowly woke from a deep sleep that didn't hold any dreams at all. He was too beaten mentally to be able to comprehend any dreams at all it seemed.

It was silent, very silent and he found himself staring at the clock on the wall, one of few things that really had made its way up where it was supposed to be. 11.30am. He blinked and inhaled deeply and let it end up in a sigh before he stretched and turned around only to realize that Devon had already left the bedroom.

He sat up in bed and realized he had been sleeping with his sweat pants on. He didn't even remember what had happened right away but as soon as he rubbed his eyes and ruffled his hair a bit to wake up, it came back to him.

The fight, they'd had their first real fight. Was Devon upset or pissed off still or was he back to his calm self? Rave just felt so tired and drained but at least he was calm, that was a good thing, wasn't it?

He got up from the bed and padded over to the door and opened it, realizing that there were blood stains all over the floor, the glass shards from the broken beer bottle he had thrown in the floor were gone however. How long had Devon been awake?

Rave walked over to a bucket and went into the bathroom, after doing his morning piss he filled the trash can with some warm water and some soap and took a cloth with him and started in the bedroom and cleaned it up by hand since he hadn't seen a mop around so far. He didn't say anything but he could hear movements from the kitchen and guessed thats' where Devon was. He didn't finish until all the blood stains he could see, were gone, went to the bathroom and washed the water away and hung the rag on the side of the tub to dry.

He took a deep inhale and let it exhale slowly before he started to walk to the kitchen, entering it and glanced up at Devon before his eyes fell to the floor as he walked to the coffee machine and made himself a cup of coffee.

"Mornin'.."

He said quietly while sinking down to a chair by the table while fixing a blank stare at the coffee maker while it blended and mixed his brew just the way he liked it. Why couldn't life be that easy? drop by drop, just take it and color it then drink it and enjoy, he thought.

[Devon Eckes]

Devon heard Rave moving around in the back rooms and decided to start breakfast. They had eggs and bacon, bread and jam...but, damnit, forgot a toaster.

He set about cooking, including putting the bread in the broiler to toast it like Nanny Franks had done a million years ago, and about ten Nanny's. Rave shuffled out and started the coffee.

"Mornin'.." He finally said, watching the coffee brew.

"Mornin'. You like your bacon crispy or limp?" He asked over his shoulder. He should have put a shirt on; one so Rave wouldn't see the burn and two so the bacon grease wouldn't add new ones.

"We need a toaster." He added, conversationally, unsure what steps to take to this dance now, where they moving forward or back, or just sideways into new steps of an old dance...he reached for the paper and scribbled that down as well.

[Aiden "Rave" Hamilton]

"uh... crispy... thanks"

He said after a moment's thought on the matter before his eyes fell to the floor,then on his hands. His left hand's thumb somewhat rubbing the palm on his right one. Bare feet flat on the floor. He didn't even put a shirt on come to think of it, he was getting sloppy and mentally he kicked himself for it but didn't say anything out loud.

Rave was very silent this morning compared to his bubbly persona where he usually made fun of Devon's morning rituals just because he could and made sure to be done before him to breakfast at the institute. Usually Rave was up about an hour before Devon due to his nightmares, but obviously not today and things really did change when you didn't have the school rules to follow on when to wake up and when to fall asleep.

"I'll ge' one latah today.. Gotta ge' out 'n do some stuff anyway.."

He said, still looking at his hands and not even attempting to get Devon's attention at the moment. Where had things gone wrong? And what had really happened at the end of the fight? He didn't really remember and that made him frown.

What he could remember was overhearing Devon talk to someone on the phone and then he went out for a smoke. He turned to look at his left hand's knuckles, he remembered he hit the door frame to the bedroom, making dents in it. His knuckles were almost blue-black and some of the skin was torn, not to mention his hand was a bit swollen around the knuckles. Why hadn't he felt the pain?

Rave hid his knuckles with his right hand covering his left hand up, Devon wouldn't need to see it. He could eat fairly good with his right hand even though it was a bit tricky for a left handed person but, it worked, after all he mostly used both his hands and wasn't really stuck with one hand only. He wasn't quite double handed or ambidextrous but not far from it. If he could choose he used his left hand however.

"...I'm sorreh."

He said quietly, seeming out of the blue but according to his thoughts, it was perfect in line on what had transpired last night and what had been re-played in his head all morning.

[Devon Eckes]

Devon used a fork to flip the toast over in the oven before sliding the eggs from one pan the bacon from where it was draining on a plate covered with paper towel.

"We should make a list of things we forgot. Mother was in like some shopping frenzy to get out of here." He gave a rueful grin even though his eyes didn't meet Rave's. "She flew through Target like the good witch of the west throwing stuff in to the cart going 'You'll need this, you'll need this, you'll need this'. I could barely keep up, and the assistant had a cart too."

He added the toast the plates and made sure everything was turned off before setting them on the table, bringing his OJ with him.

"...I'm sorreh." Rave mumbled as Devon sat.

"Me too, about a lot of things. But, let's eat before we talk about it. We'll just fight again if we aren't refueled. We were so tired last night, so stressed..." He shook his head and reached for the salt and pepper, still with their little plastic seals on them. "Let's just wake up a little bit more, refuel, 'K?"

[Aiden "Rave" Hamilton]

"I can ge' out an buy wha' we need... no prob."

He said but still with the same monotone voice even though he meant what he said. After all, he had the money so why wouldn't he help out?

"Wish I 'ad a mom tha' cared moah than fo' the booze.."

He said quietly just as Devon sat down at the table. It didn't take long for the coffee to brew and the machine gurgled a familiar sound which made Rave rise from the chair he sat on and took his mug with him.

The scar ached so bad today but his heart was numb it seemed. He poured the dark brown liquid into the cup while Devon told him he wanted to take "the talk" after breakfast. Rave only answered with a quiet "mh" and a slight nod before putting the pot back to keep the coffee that was still left in there, warm.

All the time he avoided looking up at Devon to meet his eyes, he kept them diverted to the table once he returned with his cup and reached for the lumped sugar, took one and broke it in half and put half of it into the mug before placing the coffee spoon in there without stirring it. Rave ended up just watching the dark liquid in there, leaning his left arm along the edge of the table as if "shielding" himself somewhat with it, his right hand rested around the base of the cup.

He didn't feel like himself today, not at all to be honest. On the other hand, he had never slept this long or this heavy for a very long time but he still felt tired even though he couldn't really tell in what way.

His right hand went from the cup to one of the toasts and grabbed it and took a bite from it right away without anything on it. He had some weird habits, one of them was to eat the toast first and the eggs afterwards just to name one.

[Devon Eckes]

Devon stabbed his eggs with his toast to make them run, then used his fork to pile a bite onto the toast to eat. After a few bites he swished his mouth clear and looked at Rave.

"Are we going to be awkward all morning? Should we just lay it out now?" He asked, reaching for his bacon. "Last night was too much, all at once. We both overloaded. I need to talk to you when you can actually listen..." He licked his lips, his eyes ernest. "And I need to listen too, and I didn't last night. I'm sorry for that. But, we were both in a bad place."

He started to say something else, but the words caught in his throat and he looked down at his plate instead. "I want you to stay. " He said, to the plate.

[Aiden "Rave" Hamilton]

He took a few more bites on the toast and chewed it before he put it down on the plate and moved his right hand to the cup and moved the spoon in it to mix the half lump of sugar with the coffee.

He wasn't really prepared to hear Devon speak since he was once again lost in his own thoughts, running things over of where and what went wrong the night before. He looked up and his storm blue eyes met Devon's for a second before they dropped again as he took the cup to his mouth and shrugged somewhat.

"Dunno.."

He said quietly and placed the cup own on the table again while biting the inside of his lower lip a bit. He nodded at the statement of things being too much at the same time, indeed it was and none of them had been prepared for it either.

"...S'pose I can listen now.."

He said quietly and took the toast in his hand again but didn't raise it from the plate while he thought about saying something. He sighed somewhat and closed his eyes for a moment before he opened his mouth.

"Look... if yoah dunn want me ta stay just te--..."I want you to stay

Rave looked up at Devon with a look that almost asked what he just said. He blinked and somewhat licked his lips unconsciously. This was usually the moment where people told him to leave and to get "the hell out" and Devon did just the opposite? Rave somewhat tilted his head to his left and looked at his friend, asking him with one single look if he told the truth or just said it because he felt he had to. He only saw honesty in those dark eyes and it made Rave exhale a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding.

"...okay."

He said before lowering his eyes to the floor again, still somewhat leaning on the arm on the edge of the table that "shielded" himself from Devon in a way.

"... I want to stay too.."

He added quietly before taking the toast to his mouth again and took a bite.

[Devon Eckes]

"Good." Devon gave him a dimpled grin. "Then the hardest part is already out of the way." He said simply. Then ran his hands over his face and got up to get a cup of coffee for himself. When he sat down he was tense again, but it was a different kind of tense.

"OK, can I go first?" He asked permission before continuing. "I started this twelve step program as soon as I got out, like, the day after I got home. I knew I couldn't get through it on my own as soon as I checked my email. Man, I..." He rolled his eyes upward and blew out a breath. "You never saw so many emails asking, telling, whining...I felt like Robbie Williams in that Rock Me DJ video where he tears off his skin, and flesh, and it's never enough to get what he needs. And I knew...I knew...I knew..." He bit his lower lip as his voice trailed off. "And I knew I couldn't do it on my own."

He gave another sigh. "Anyway, so, a part of it is giving up sex. No porn, no jerking off either if you can stand it." He laughed ruefully. "It's part of re-educating yourself about what sex is for. It's not supposed to be a drug to mask all your other problems. It's supposed to show someone that you care about them, and not the fifteen or twenty other people you slept with that week." He caught the look that crossed Rave's face. "ANYWAY...

"I don't know how much you over heard last night, but, you only heard a part, and only one side. I don't think you heard the part where I said that I don't want to be with guys, but I do..." He paused and picked up grains of sugar from the table with his fingertip. "I want you. Not guys, just you. For you. Who you are. And every time you gave me an out, the less I wanted out."

He continued focusing on the table, too cowardly to look up at Rave right now. "And...my sponsor said that I needed to figure out if being with you was part of my addiction or something...something." He turned his head away. "Anyway, when you got upset, and said those things, I felt like everything I'd said meant nothing, and I meant nothing. And if that was true, then..." He gestured to the burn.

"But my sponsor also said that I, we, are in a new place, a lot of new stress, a lot going on...he was expecting me to fail, to call. One of the things they say in SA is 'It's not how many times you fall that matter, it's how many times you get back up.' So, I'm getting back up.

"Anther thing is as I become healthier a lot of buried shit is going to rise to the surface, so... this might happen again." He looked back at Rave. "Will happen again. So, I don't know if you can put up with that from me."

[Aiden "Rave" Hamilton]

Rave nodded to Devon when he requested to go first just as he took another drink of his coffee and took the last piece of his toast in his mouth while listening to what his friend said.

He indeed quirked a brow at the amount of people Devon mentioned to have sex with on only one week and he looked into his eyes when he did so as if asking 'say what now?' but didn't word it out. He let him finish speaking before he answered after washing his mouth with another drink of coffee.

"Wha' I 'eard yoah say.. was tha' yoah lied to me because yoah saw it as 'hurtin' me if yoah said no to me. Tha' yoah doubted yoahself an' wha' we do with eachotha.. an' tha' yoah're no' attrackted ta guys or to me."

He said and took the fried egg with his fork and moved it over to his plate then grabbed the salt and put some of it onto the toast then placed the salt down on the table again before he continued.

"Sayin' tha' behin'd my back the way I took it last night, is the same as hittin' me in the face. I've 'eard it so many times. Tha' I'm not good enough or people doin' things fo' me out of pity and in truth onleh makes it worse.. s'pose I was stressed last night as well.. didn't think clearly..... like tha'd be the fi'st time?"

He said with a slight snort just before he stopped himself and made a mine of 'what? wait a minute, what did you just say?' and looked up at Devon with Fork in hand but in a frozen motion.

"... yoah... wanta be with.. me, bu' no' with otha guys?"

He asked, sounding somewhat surprised about it but instantly kind of felt bad for reacting the way he'd done last night but it was too late to take that back now. He put the fork back on the plate without touching his fried egg but looked at it before he mustered up to say what he was about to.

"...Dev, yoah are tha fi'st person evah, to be able to stop my nightmares without gettin' 'alf way ta ER befoah I wake up... I dunn know 'ow yoah do it.. but yoah do. No mattah 'ow much I deny it.. I need yoah. yoah're like my antidote against my nightmares... howevah..."

He swallowed and paused for a moment, choosing his words carefully and hoping it wouldn't come out wrong.

"when I 'eard wha' yoah said on tha phone... it felt like I'd violated yoah. Like I'd done somethin' against yoah'r will. It made me so sick an' disgusted with mahself I didn't know 'ow ta 'andle it. The backflashes I go' from tha' just added to my stress even more... I s'pose I panicked because it made me feel like I did to yoah wha' he did to me...I wouldn't even wish tha' to my worst enemy..."

He said and made a slight mine of pain as the scar ached, his left hand came up to rub the scar by his shoulder unconsciously, the scar that had been made by a guy wire a few years ago.

"I dunn even remembah exactleh wha' appened aftah I threw the beer bottle to be 'onest... Sometimes when I flip like tha'.. I ge' blackouts... I remembah yoah 'oldin' me by the bedroom door tho, singin'."

When Devon looked up at him, Rave looked up as well, meeting his eyes and seemed to think about the answer to that statement he had just been given.

"...Likewise, Dev... I can't ge' on like this. I need 'elp as well."

He paused for a moment and glanced down the table before he looked back up to meet those dark pools he knew so well by now.

"...will yoah' 'elp me find a group? ... I think we ahr strongah togetha than on our own. Maybe if we 'elp each othah out... I mean...nh..."

His world trailed off, unsure of how to word things without fucking up or sounding too desperate even though he was. He'd almost hurt his best friend and he didn't want to wake up one day only to realize he'd killed him or he was beyond repair.

"...make me trust yoah, Dev... please. I need to trust yoah..."

He said, looking into his friend's eyes with honesty shining in his own as his words faded.

[Devon Eckes]

Devon hung his head again.

"You never forced me, Rave." He said humbly. "But, if you want me to be honest with you...the first few times was more about the sickness in me responding to the sickness in you than anything else." He admitted. "But that's not the same at all, AT ALL, to what your father did. You always gave me the option to say no, and the few things I did say no to, you never pressed for. How could you think you were like him?"

"Is it because your bi?" He asked, tilting his head to study the other boy. "I gotta tell you it's a real tight-wire act being with you, because if I reach out for what I want you get flash backs and if I'm passive you get this complex. I bet you don't do that with women."

"...will yoah' 'elp me find a group? ... I think we ahr strongah togetha than on our own. Maybe if we 'elp each othah out... I mean...nh..."

Devon rubbed the back of his neck. The thought of Rave in the same meeting with him... it probably wouldn't be a good idea.

"...make me trust yoah, Dev... please. I need to trust yoah..."

"I can't make you, Rave, either you do, or you don't. But I did make promises to you, and I intend to keep them. We'll find you some help, but, I don't think SA is the right route for you. We need to find something to do with abuse, or anger management." He reached over and put his hand on Rave's cheek. "No matter how bad it gets though, remember to meet me on the other side. K?"

[Aiden "Rave" Hamilton]

Rave nodded to what Devon said. He had already gathered it was the sickness that made him fold and give in the first times and to be frank, He had abused that a bit as well due to his own needs and he kinda felt bad about that even though it had passed once Devon had started to take initiative to come to him as well.

"... To be 'onest with yoah too... I kind of took advantage of tha' in the beginnin' too... just ta ge' off... always feels bettah when someone else's doin' it to yoah than yoah own 'and..."

He said with a slight but bitter smirk. He shook his head.

"no, I could nevah force myself on someone. Tha'd really give me back flashes of wha' I wanna fo'get... Tha's wha' 'appened last night... I s'pose.."

Rave smiled and snorted somewhat but not in an offensive way when Devon asked him if it was because he was bi.

"No, not because I'm bi. I've taken wha' I wanted no mattah if it's been a guy or a gi'l bu' they've always 'ad the option of sayin' no... it's different with yoah.. dunno 'ow.. bu' it is."

He confessed and picked up his fork again, looking at the now cold fried egg on his plate but placed his fork back down and took a crispy bacon in his hand instead and moved it to his mouth, biting it off half way.

"Yoah no' the onleh one gettin' laid yoah know... gi'ls like the "bad boy" look apparentleh an' so do guys tha' swing tha' way too from wha' I've heard.. I just dunn 'ave tha quirk with it as yoah do."

He said, refering to his sickness but with a slight smile on his lips while saying it. He took the rest of his bacon and stuck it in his mouth and chewed it when he nodded to Devon.

"Yeah.. an' bein' in the same group as yoah wouldn't be the best either I think."

He stated, he really needed to get to his own group to get his act together and perhaps find people that had the same kind of issues as he did so he could get somebody to talk to.

"I- I dunn think I can do the abused group... no' yet aneway..."

He confessed. It felt so strange to be this honest about it but with Devon it just seemed right to tell the truth. He did trust him, didn't he? What had happened last night wasn't broken, it was just nudged but it had fallen right back where it was supposed to be again. He thought for a moment and bit the inside of his lower lip again.

"...I do trust yoah.."

He said and looked up at Devon again from watching his egg again and found a hand on his cheek. His eyes had turned to dull blue, almost black to lighter blue. Perhaps it was the sun from the small window that had shifted to bring more light in, perhaps something inside. It was quite hard to tell.

"No mattah wha' yoah do.. yoah'll nevah ge' rid of me.. even if I 'ave ta haunt yoah If I go fi'st... Bu' this I promise yoah Devon. No mattah wha' 'appens in the future. I'll make suah yoah ge' it good in life, yeah?"

He placed his hand on Devon's that cupped his cheek. Even though he smiled, his eyes were dead serious and showed he meant every word even if it was up to Devon to interpret them the way he wanted to.

[Devon Eckes]

"I knew that." Devon said, taking his hand back from Rave. "Everyone I've ever slept with was using me one way or another, from the first start. And I was using them. Honestly, I was on a downward spiral, guys would have been next, even if I didn't want them. Just like you go from weed to crack. You need that next buzz. And guys are more willing to hurt you, which, was becoming a bigger and bigger part of the ritual for me." As he thought about it his life energy, usually so much a presence in the room, withdrew as his eyes turned flat and dark. In a way, now that he thought about it, his sickness would have turned him into a submissive Rave; scarred, battered, abused, and tossed away if he didn't fight against it.

He shook it off.


"OK, new deal." Devon said picking up the dishes. "I'll take care of me, and you take care of you, and we'll both pick the other one up when we fall down. Yeah?"

He moved to the sink and rinsed them, after scraping off the half eaten meal. "I'll always have a good life, Rave, it's the way I'm built. To land on my feet, no matter what. But, I think..." He turned around and leaned against the counter. "I think I'd rather be happy, be healthy. I don't know what that feels like yet, but I'd like to give that a try. And, if I don't like it, then I'll go back to the way I was." He paused, a darkness fell over his eyes. "You know, I was very comfortable in the life I had. Sometimes, all this work to get better seems like too much work period."

He turned back to the sink. "OK, then, I'll make a shopping list and if you want to pick the stuff up, I'll go to meeting. I'll see what I can find out about something anger management for you. " He dropped the silverware in the sink and leaned against it, head falling forward. "Oh Christ, Rave, I feel rubbed raw today with all of this. Just thinking about giving up... So inviting sometimes, like now."

[Aiden "Rave" Hamilton]

"Just bein' 'onest with yoah, Dev. Yoah dise've tha' too."

He replied and the look on Devon's face didn't go unnoticed but he didn't say anything about it for now. It didn't seem like Devon though, to sink in mood and persona like he had. He was really struggling wasn't he? And here Rave comes along and basically spoils everything.

Like weed to crack, yeah... Rave'd been there but that wasn't really something he spoke about. At least it hadn't gone as far as shooting up like other people he knew had. They'd gone way beyond that and some of them had even OD-ed on it. A darkness came over him as well by that thought but he hid it once Devon spoke again.

New deal? He was game for that. While he listened to Devon telling about the deal, He took the entire fried egg up with his hand and stuck it all into his mouth and chewed it all at once. He looked like a hamster for a moment or two before he managed to swallow the pieces of eggs after a few moments. The same went with the now cold bacon pieces, he stuffed his mouth full with what was left and made sure his plate was empty before he rose to a stand and swallowed the last bit with the last drink of his coffee.

"Just sayin' Dev. I'll make suah yoah do 'ave a good life, goes with money too yoah know. The health bit yoah 'ave to do on yoah on tho, can't 'elp yoah there."

He said and went to the sink with his own dishes as well, he nodded to the shopping list thing. He'd make sure he buy it all since he had the cash to go around for a while. Things might just work out after all.

"Thanks"

He said with a light smile when Devon offered to help to find him a group. His eyes however followed the silverware when it dropped in the sink then he looked up at Devon with concern, he was already wavering.

"Dunn say tha' Dev. Hell yoah've gotten fa'ther than I 'ave on this. I've nevah realleh seen myself as a problem with my outbi'sts until... until.. yesterday when I..nh... when I went aftah yoah..."

He said quietly. When Devon spoke about giving up, Rave shook his head and took the step that was between them then wrapped his arms around his friend and just held him close, cheek to cheek.

"Yoah no' the onleh one feelin' tha' way Dev... bu' none of us should give up. No' now when we 'ave a new staht on our 'ands."

He said softly and let his right hand trace over Devon's trimmed hair while the left arm wrapped around his shoulders.

"so... is everythin' off limits or is kissin' and soft core allowed?"

He asked while holding his friend close to comfort him.

[Devon Eckes]

"Dunn say tha' Dev. Hell yoah've gotten fa'ther than I 'ave on this. I've nevah realleh seen myself as a problem with my outbi'sts until... until.. yesterday when I..nh... when I went aftah yoah..."

Devon chuckled, but it wasn't a happy sound. "You never went after me Rave, you don't remember. I went after you. I was pissed off. I was hurt. I wanted to be hurt. I pushed you against the wall and...But you didn't, you just folded. And I left you there for a few minutes, to try to get a hold of myself. Even when I came back I just cleaned up around you. Then, when I was more myself, I called you back." He glanced over at Rave, his hands still braced against the sink. "I'm not a good person, a good person wouldn't have pushed you into your nightmare and left you there."