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Post by NPC on May 10, 2009 11:52:05 GMT -6
"Ok, so, now you're getting to why you're mad." Chris shook out another cancer stick for Rave and leaned against the railing of the buildng.
"It's not at the people, it's at the situation. Now. What do you want? And I don't mean over all, I mean, from right here. How do you want this particular moment to go? You want to leave? You want to kick her out of your house, even though she's done nothing wrong? You want to kick him out of the house? Look for options, and then pick the one you want to go with."
Chris stopped talking and took a drag on his own butt, which was only partly smoked because he hadn't been sucking on it like it was a life line.
"Remember; the more control you have over your options, the more control you have over your actions, and you aren't just blindly RE acting." Chris quoted one of the maxims they learned in meeting.
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Post by Aiden "Rave" Hamilton on May 10, 2009 12:33:22 GMT -6
Rave sighed and tossed his but away down the stairs while still gripping his hair off and on. The offered new cigarette was gladly taken and lit up with his sponsor's lighter since he had his own back in his coat.
"yeah.. I s'ppose..."
He mumbled and took another drag of the nicotine stick. He rubbed his forehead and slowly began to calm down thanks to his sponsor's questions. At first he had a hard time cooping with the quiestions and even get a response of his own but soon he found.
"I dunno wha' I want! ... I want him..."
His left leg began to shake due to tremors while trying to find an answer to all the questions. What did he want to do? All of a sudden he remembered the note in his hand and looked at the wrinkled piece of paper in his left hand.
"...I want all of those things.. I want her gone, I want Devon back.. an' ..."
Rave stopped himself in his ramble, took a few deep breaths as well as a drag of the new cigarette that Chris had given him and then started over, slowly this time.
"I want to leave... I can't be in there with her there. She's a triggah of mine at the moment an' I shouldn't be around her then. She may be innocent bu' she still is... I can stay in the studio fo' a time..."
He said quietly and took yet another drag from the smoke and slowly nodded to Chris' quote from the maxims they used at the meetings.
"I want'a fix this...tch.. I fucked up so bad, Chris... wha' if he doesn't want'a see me again? I couldn't live with myself then... I broke a promise to him an' I insulted him because I flipped when I saw 'em..."
Rave was calmer now than when Chris had first showed up even if he wasn't in complete control he at least had begun to trust Chris, his sponsor which he got good contact with from the start at the very first meeting he had gone to.
"I need to ge' this note to the gal up there... an' some money so she'll make it while Devon isn't there.. Bu' I also need to try an' mend peace with 'er... howevah I am to make tha' with someone I dunn even like..."
He lowered his head towards the ground and scratched the back if his head with his right hand, the cigarette between his index and long finger for now.
"I've nevah felt like this befo', Chris. I'm not sure wha's happenin' to me.."
He confessed.
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Post by NPC on May 10, 2009 12:42:00 GMT -6
"Well, how do you know you don't like her? It seems to me you both have a lot in common. Mostly, both of you would go through hell for this guy." Chris pointed out.
"And, since he's...." Chris looked for the right word, though he himself couldn't understand how they all got themselves into this mess. "Involved? With both of you, you both must have qualities he's attracted to. Ever think about that?"
Maybe the kid had kept blinders on the whole time, but since he'd made promises to the other kid, they must have discussed this. Did he really think the day would never come she'd show up?
"Remember, once somethings broken, it'll never be the same again. But, you can try to mend it as best you can." Chris tossed out another maxim from the class. "Give her the money, give her the note, tell her you're sorry and explain you have issues and it' not her fault your a fuck up. If it helps, I'll come up too, just to be a third party." He shrugged and tossed his butt out into the street.
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Post by Aiden "Rave" Hamilton on May 10, 2009 13:11:26 GMT -6
^"Well... maybe I'm selfish then..?"
Rave said to the comment about him not liking Amy. He took another drag of the smoke which was now more than half done and the ashes fell to the steps he sat at.
"I'm no' even sure if he wants to even see me again aftah this...bloody 'ell..."
He rubbed his hand over his face in a fatal attempt to try and calm his running thoughts. It didn't quite work and his leg kept doing the tremors.
"He's always talked about this fuckin' Amy... He told me tha' when she came, things would be different... Because he's been waitin' fo' her fo' two years..."
Another inhale of the smoke was taken while watching the steps ahead of him while he spoke.
"I guess tha' a part of me nevah wanted her to be true... tha' she really didn't exist... an' all of a sudden she's here... an' in his lap, naked.. with his fingahs..."
He made a mine of mental pain and rubbed his right eye.
"... I feel like I'm loosin' it fo' real, Chris... I've lost control of myself, I dunno where I stand anymore..."
The confession was hard to say but he finally said it out loud at least. Rave really didn't want to go up to Amy either but he knew he had to if he was to be able to get Devon back.
"Yeah yeah.. I know.. I fucked up an' bad.."
He muttered and slowly rose from the stairs and inhaled the cigarette two times before he flicked the butt away and took another slow inhale.
"I dunn think I can even talk to her without yoah there. I'd probableh snap..."
Rave said and slowly began to walk up the stairs to reach their apartment door.
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Post by NPC on May 10, 2009 13:20:43 GMT -6
"A'right then. Let's focus a bit." Chris closed his eyes and said the serenity prayer out loud. When Chris first joined RAR he'd felt really uncomfortable with the God aspect of the whole thing. But then one of the old timers explained that all of them had failed finding the power within themselves to rise above their problems, so reaching for a higher power for aid got them through. And 'God' was just a handy title for that higher power, and meant something different for each of them.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that things right will be made right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life. Amen."
He looked up from his prayer and gave Rave's shoulder a squeeze. "Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace, man. It's hard, but, it's worth it. Forgive yourself, forgive others. Move past it."
He gave another squeeze before walking up the stairs. "So, can I ask you one thing, you know, man to man...before we get up there? Did she look good naked?"
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Post by Aiden "Rave" Hamilton on May 10, 2009 13:52:21 GMT -6
Rave was on his way to move upstairs when Chris stopped him with the serenity prater. It only took a few words before he fell into it as well but he didn't do the God bits, Rave wasn't really one to do the religious thing. To be honest he wasn't a believer at all.
A slow, deep inhale before a slow exhale and the Brit opened his eyes again and actually did feel better as well as calmer after reading it.
The light squeze of his shoulder was reassuring and he released the last tension in his body with another deep inhale while Chris spoke to him. Rave nodded to his words.
"Yeah...I can just hope tha' Devon will be forgivin' as well..."
He said and slowly turned to the stairs again and headed towards the apartment again with Chris following him. This was quite the day to say the least. It started good and went hellwire after he ended his shift.
"... I just wish my life could ge' a bit more... liveable, I just keep gettin' into different messes an' I dunn know how... it just happens.."
Rave mumbled as they reached his level. He touched the door handle and tried to open the door and found it locked. With a frown he picked out his keys from his pocket and tried them in the lock but the door was still locked from the inside.
"Fuck!... she locked me out!"
He growled and clenched his jaws while putting his forehead on the door while closing his eyes and yet again started with the breathing exercises.
"she.locked.me.out!"
Rave repeated with a slight growl and tore the key out of the door and resisted the urge to kick at the door but began to breathe a little faster.
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Post by NPC on May 10, 2009 13:57:22 GMT -6
"Of course she did." Chris said. "She's in a new city, just was making out with her boyfriend and some guy came in and started yelling at her. They both left her alone.... It's a common sense thing to do. Most women lock the door when they are home alone."
Chris reached past him and knocked on the door.
"You're taking things personal that aren't, dude. Chill out." Chris said kindly. Maybe he was getting too old to be a sponsor anymore. The longer he was rage free, the more other peoples rage wore him out.
He chuckled. "I mean, really, look what happened the last time she didn't lock the door?"
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Post by Aiden "Rave" Hamilton on May 10, 2009 14:08:49 GMT -6
Rave kept doing deep breaths as Chris spoke to him. Of course she would lock the door when he thought about it, why couldn't he think farther than his nose?
He groaned and moved away from the door and to the other wall and leaned on it, that way letting Chris stand in front of the door instead of him so Amy wouldn't see his face if she peeked in the door.
"Well, I can't help it if I'm no' good at thinking two steps ahead... The onleh thing I can do tha' with is fightin' ..."
He confessed and folded his arms over his chest and hoped that Amy would open the door when she saw Chris instead of him.
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Post by Amy Wilson on May 10, 2009 14:11:39 GMT -6
Usually Amy liked a good old film but she was finding it hard to concentrate. Rave had got under her skin and it annoyed her that she had allowed him to do so. Even the excuse of no sleep for two days didn't assuage her feeling of frustration with herself.
Then the cell phone rang. For a moment Amy contemplated ignoring it but then she thought it might be Devon and there was no way she was going to miss that. Amy fumbled for the mute button on the remote control. For a moment it eluded her and she thought she might miss the call but then the sound died and she picked up her phone.
"Hello?" She spoke into the phone.
The universe most definitely has a sense of humour. Even as Amy spoke the word there was a knock on the door which came as a surprise as she had not heard the key in the lock. Amy bit back a rude word and stomped over to it.
"Who is it?" She called through the door, knowing it was probably Rave but wanting to make sure. While she waited she put the security chain on and prepared to undo the deadlock.
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Post by NPC on May 10, 2009 14:55:08 GMT -6
There was a voice on the other end of the line, that said "Hello? " and then clicked off...
Outside Chris heard the phone ring and then a woman's voice ask who it was. Unsure if she was talking to the phone or him he paused before answering.
"Hey, this is Chris. You don't know me. I'm out here with Rave and am sorta being the third party so everyone stays cool. You OK with us coming in? Devon left you a note and Rave wants to give it to you and stuff." He scratched his ear. "You can leave the door open and stuff, if that makes you feel better? I can stand in the hall?" He offered.
He glanced over at Rave. "Don't want her to feel any more uncomfortable than she already is, given the circumstances..."
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Post by Aiden "Rave" Hamilton on May 10, 2009 15:51:44 GMT -6
Rave kept staying on the back wall when Chris took command of the situation and spoke to Amy through the closed door. He glanced down the floor while keeping himself calm by counting in his head, breathing slowly and going over the rules and regulations of the RAR system.
He could hear her talk to someone inside, probably Devon he guessed but it could be anyone really unless it was something else, he wasn't sure. He nodded to what Chris said about making sure Amy was feeling safe.
"..I-I'll stay out here if she dunn want me to come inside...Bu' I do need my stuff if I'm no' goin' to stay 'ere fo' a while.."
Rave said quietly so only Chris would hear him and not Amy. He remained with his arms crossed over his chest, leaning his back against the wall. This wasn't a good situation to be in, nor was it a stress free one but at least Chris was here to help him keep his calm.
All he could was to hope that she would open so he could at least get the note and the money he had promised Devon he'd give him to make sure Amy would have enough until Devon could return. He was in such a mess at the moment that all he wanted to do was to run to Sissy and get some drugs and calm his senses down, he really needed to calm down for real, the inner stress and anger was lingering just below the surface even though he tried with what he had learned in the meetings, it didn't always work though, this was one of those times.
He led out a soft sigh and glanced at the bottom of the door, hoping to see it open soon so he could do what he had promised.
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Post by Amy Wilson on May 11, 2009 4:53:53 GMT -6
Whoever it was on the phone hung up causing Amy to shake her head in annoyance. It was something that annoyed her; whoever it was could at least have apologised for calling the wrong number.
The door was, by this time, fully open against it's safety chain, allowing Amy a partial view of who was in the hallway. There was another man with Rave claiming to be his sponsor. "What is with this sponsor thing that everyone seems to need one?" But she had some idea. Her father had trouble with alcohol and he needed assistance from time to time. She just hadn't expected it, either for Devon or for Rave.
She didn't really trust Rave but felt that she had no choice other than to allow him back in. Amy took the safest course, shutting the door again and removing the safety chain, allowing Rave to use his key.
Amy retreated quickly to the lounge in order to put some distance between Rave and his sponsor and thus give her the opportunity to retreat to Devon's bedroom and lock the door if she felt under physical threat. She stood nervously, occasionally glancing at the passage that led to Devon's room as if wanting to reassure herself as to the location of the door and the distance to it.
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Post by Aiden "Rave" Hamilton on May 11, 2009 5:16:36 GMT -6
Rave glanced up at Amy when she finally opened the door to let him in and let him use his key. Once that was done he took his keys up again and unlocked the door and let it slowly slide open and see where she stood.
She had gone quite the way from them, already standing by the hallway to Devon's door. Couldn't blame her for that. He reminded himself that it wasn't personal, Chris had told him so and he trusted his words.
With his sponsor a few steps in and the door still open, Rave slowly walked to the edge of the living room with the kitchen behind him, looking at Amy where she stood. She resembled a beaten animal ready to run from the abuser and to be honest, it kind of stung.
"uh... Devon told me to give this note to yoah..."
He said quietly and held a wrinkled note up towards her, she probably wouldn't walk to him so he walked over to the living room table and placed it there.
"and...he told me to give yoah moneh so yoah'd be good while he's gone"
Rave kept the same quiet tone, almost soft to the touch while he picked his wallet up and took out 600 bucks for her and placed that on the table as well even though he basically tossed them on the table by the note in a lazy way.
He glanced back at Chris as if to make sure he was still there and his sponsor nodded to him as if telling him to go on with what he was doing, he turned back to Amy and lowered his head a bit but still glancing up at her.
"...I... also... want to apologize fo' the way I acted. I go' shocked of wha' I saw an'... I reacted the onleh way I know how to...I 'ave anger issues bu' I'm workin' on 'em... Chris.."
He made a movement with his hand towards the scruffy man in the back.
"is my sponsor, he's helpin' me when I need assistance to ge' my focus back."
A slow inhale followed by an exhale that showed he was really working on saying what he wanted to be said, focusing on the words to make them come out right.
"...I...I've liked and cared fo' Devon fo' a long time an' we 'ave quite the past between us even if it's onleh fo' a few years... bu' I feel the need to protect him from harm... when I saw yoah.. I saw him relapsin' an' tha' was the triggah point fo' my anger I believe... I'm sorreh... I didn't mean fo' it to happen..."
Rave slowly looked down at his hands, his right hand toying with one of his rings on his left hand, twisting and twirling it around in a nervous way of letting himself concentrate.
" I'll le' yoah decide if yoah feel yoah want me to stay 'ere or if yoah want me to go somewhere else fo' a few days. Bu' I do think we 'ave a lot to talk abou' if this situation is goin' to go away one way or anotha... I undahstand tha' yoah care about Devon quite a lot as well..."
He confessed even though he didn't really want to. With another glance back to Chris, he then turned back to face Amy even though his eyes were still focused on the ring he was toying with, now waiting for an answer from her on how it would be.
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Post by Amy Wilson on May 11, 2009 14:50:52 GMT -6
Amy was surprised at the change in Rave's demeanour. The anger seemed to have dissipated. She nodded toward the sponsor, an acknowledgement of his presence and the apparent effect he had had on Devon's roommate. They both had their needs that coloured their relationships with Devon but, Amy had to admit, they did both seem to want what was best for Devon.
"I am sorry too for the way I behaved." Amy said in response to Rave's apology. It was a little hesitantly and quite quietly. She meant it even though it almost sounded like she might not.
Amy walked slowly over to the table and picked up the note before retreating again to her initial position before unfolding and reading it. The money she left on the table, not because she had plenty of her own, she didn't, but she did have some and she didn't want to accept it until she knew what was in the note.
Amy, I can't explain what is going on. He knew that the deal was, he knew I was waiting for you, always you, and I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to stand between you. I'll come back when I can talk. Please, please, please be there.
Amy was crying by the time she finished reading the note, the tears rolling down her cheeks. They had done this to Devon, between them. Either of them could have stopped it. She looked lost and defeated as the tears continued.
"I'm sorry." She said, looking at Rave though it was not totally clear whether she was apologising to him to the absent Devon. She approached Rave and held out the note to him so that he could read it himself, not trusting herself to say more than she had.
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Post by Aiden "Rave" Hamilton on May 11, 2009 15:22:20 GMT -6
Rave kept avoiding her eye contact by looking down the floor while she said she was sorry as well. He nodded quietly to acknowledge her apology then noted his thumb still dressed after her assistance.
"and... thank yoah fo' the help with this too.."
He mentioned and held his right thumb up for a brief moment before that hand once again fiddled with one of his rings. To be honest, he felt so confused at the moment but at least the anger had subsided and quick thanks to Chris' fast appearance when Rave had called him.
When Amy walked up to the table and to the note, Rave didn't move at all, he barely blinked where he stood only a few steps away from where she took it. She didn't touch the money and he wondered why by didn't say anything but let her read the note.
Since Rave had already read it and he himself only felt betrayed by it, he felt jealous for the tears of longing that she obviously shed for his Devon while glancing at her with his storm blue eyes.
She approached him and he wasn't sure if he should stay put or back off but, he had learned in the meetings that when people you had hurt walked up to you with their own will, it was their choice and not Rave's in this case. They showed trust that way, but Rave couldn't help but throw yet another glance at Chris to make sure he still stood there.
The note was handed to him when he turned back and he looked at it for a second or two before he took it. Even though he had read it several times, he read it again but this time slowly and pretended the note was for him, that his own name stood in it.
By doing so a part of him started to understand what Amy must feel while reading it but he couldn't help but slump his shoulders at it.
"I'm not strong eitha..."
Rave said quietly but if it was to the note or to Amy was rather unclear. He swallowed and fell silent for a moment or two before he opened his mouth again, avoiding eye contact once more.
"Like I said.. yoah choose if I am to stay 'ere with yoah, or if I go somewhere else fo' a few days. The choice is yoahs.."
Rave still didn't like her because she stole Devon away from him but a part of him wanted to hold her and say everything was okay, at the same time. An embrace like that could be taken as a threat so, he remained where he was with his arms by his side, waiting for her answer if he was to stay, or go.
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