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Post by Devon Eckes on Apr 20, 2009 13:36:17 GMT -6
Devon heard the question and considered going to the bathroom to put his kit away and pretending he hadn't. Instead he put his head in his hands, so he wouldn't be looking at Rave as he spoke. "I don't know if it'd be a good idea. I know I... I'd want more. I'd take it farther. Or I'd want to. What's the point of saying no once you've started?" A smile quirked around his mouth though his hands were over his eyes. "Neither of us are good at saying no once it's started."
"An' since when was she a problem eh? Just lock the dooah an' she can't ge' in. Tha' was a lame excuse even fo' yoah, Dev. Why would she care wha' we do aneway, man.."
Devon laughed darkly. "Well, first of all, neither of us asked for the key back when she moved out. And she cares, you're stone blind if you think she doesn't." He stood up and still not meeting Rave's gaze got his keys and jacket.
" 'ey.. why would Flame come in 'ere anyway an' wake me up? If yoah lock the door she won't come in.."
"Because she was looking for you yesterday, and said she'd come by to talk to you today after work. But if I leave a note, she won't knock on the door or come in. Something about the band or something, I'm not sure." He glanced at the clock. "If I'm going to make meeting..." He finally looked over at Rave and gave a slightly embarrassed grin. "Sorry." He said, and it seemed to carry a lot of weight and levels for such a simple word. "But the pizza was good, thank you."
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Post by Aiden "Rave" Hamilton on Apr 20, 2009 13:51:28 GMT -6
"mh.. good point. Bu' I tell yoah wha' ... this gihl I was with last night, the last thing we did befo' I left.. was just layin' on the bed holdin' eachotha... felt weird no' ta do anythin' else.. bu' it felt nice.. She even fell asleep in my arms.."
Rave said and leaned on the door post to the kitchen while talking to Devon, it was easy to see that he had a hard time even answering the question to begin with so he wouldn't push the guy further on it. That would be as if Devon was trying to push Rave on a bad day when he was edgy and grumpy to begin with. In other words, not good.
"Oh.. right, fo'got abou' tha key...uh.. wait.. she does?"
He quirked a brow, he didn't get a thing of what Devon just said. Why would Juliet care what they did in their private life anyway? Sure, friends care but they don't care what or who the other one fucks or not, that's beyond the friendship. You usually just pat each other on the back and say "good job" but that was about it.
"oh.. yeah.. the band, fo'got about tha'... a note would be good then, thanks."
There was so many things to fix and be done before they could get going properly with the band but for starters, Devon would have to finish his studies so he could be their manager for real.
" 'ey... why don't yoah wake me up aftah the meetin' an' we can chat, yeah? It's felt like we 'aven't really 'ad time ta talk fo' real fo' a while.. when one of us ge' 'ome, the otha leaves.. no' much of a friendship theah is et?"
He grinned, then shrugged when Devon excused himself to have to leave.
"Nah, dunn worreh abou' it, Dev. A meetin' is a meetin' an' if yoah need it, yoah should go. I can 'elp yoah with studyin' even.. explain things if yoah need it, bu' I won't do the work fo' yoah... as yoah said, yoah need ta do it yoahself."
He said, winked with his good eye then waved him off to leave so he wouldn't be late before he turned and walked towards his bedroom.
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Post by Devon Eckes on Apr 20, 2009 14:21:53 GMT -6
Devon scribbled the note and escaped.
That's what it felt like, an escape.
From what, he didn't know. As he drove to the meeting he just felt a wad of emotion waiting to be sorted out, but it was so tangled...it'd be like sorting out a cat's yucked up hair ball....
There was about fourteen people in the room when he got there and as they went through the prayer and started with their stories he felt himself relaxing. When it was his turn to speak he felt safe.
"Hi, my name is Devon.."
"Hi Devon!" They said.
"I'm doing OK, but not great. Trying to find my way." Several nodded. "Having looked at any porn for a couple weeks, haven't jerked off for like almost a week, " He ducked his head when he said that. "But before I wasn't like, actively looking for anyone, people would approach me and I just always said yes. I had my rituals and followed them and there's only been two people that I don't follow my rituals with..." He rubbed his hand over his face. "And I'm living with one of them, we have our own rooms but... they're asking, 'well, is this OK? Can we still kiss..' that sort of thing. And I don't know what to say. Meanwhile, I'm really starting to notice people and looking at them with lust. Before, I didn't have like...lust lust... it was more like functional lust. Not because I wanted them but because I wanted the fix. Does that make sense?"
Again people nodded.
"So now I'm in this confusing place." He rubbed the back of his neck, a embarrassed look on his face. "When can you tell when something's real, and when somethings a part of your addiction? That's what I'm struggling with."
When he sat back down the group clapped for him and the group leader got up.
"Those are very good questions, Devon, and ones we all struggle with as we get better. The key here is to focus on other parts of the relationship and look for warning signs. What are the triggers? Are they part of your overall pattern of addiction? I love my wife, and when I made love with my wife I would, like most husbands, fall asleep right after." There was a smattering of laughter in the group. "But, when I had addictive sex I would then go immediately to a bar to pick a fight.
"The essence of all addiction is the addicts' experience of powerlessness over a compulsive behavior, resulting in their lives becoming unmanageable. The addict is out of control and experiences tremendous shame, pain and self-loathing.
"In a healthy relationship, you don't feel that powerlessness, and your actions are not compulsive, and don't cause shame."
Several of the group were nodding and Devon felt a deeper understanding and it brought him comfort. As he drove home he reviewed his relationship with Rave, turning it over and over in his mind from the very start, from the day they'd met.
Although he'd opened with a joke about who was sleeping with him, since both he and Jules were in the room, the focus had immediately turned to music. Sex hadn't come until after the nightmares...
When he got home it was full dark, and rather than wake Rave he grabbed a cold slice and a cold beer and started back on his delayed homework. He'd talk to him after he was done, else it never would get finished.
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Post by Aiden "Rave" Hamilton on Apr 20, 2009 15:05:43 GMT -6
It felt a bit like Devon flew out the door almost as if he ran away from him and that felt a bit worrying even though Rave tried to shake it off as his friend being stressed out. He put the lid over the pizza then went to bed to try and sleep even though it seemed to do no good. The pain in his rib was still terrible even though it most probably would be almost unbearable if he hadn't taken that pain killer a while ago. The blonde managed to sleep for about four hours but woke up around 1am with severe pain that made him unable to relax or even lay still. "Fuck this shit.." He muttered to himself and slowly sat up on the bed and turned on the light before he started to walk back and forth in the room but it just ended up as more frustration for him. His storm blue eyes fell to his acoustic guitar and it didn't take long before he grabbed it and slowly sat down on the side of the bed and started to play on it even though with a bit of a too straight back compared to how he usually played but he couldn't sit in any other way without his rib wanting to kill him. He began to shoot some cords out and try to get it together with the lyric in his head. "When there's nowhere else to run, Is there room for one more sun? One more sun."He winched and slowly lay back on the bed and placed the guitar on his belly and realized that felt a lot better than sitting up and started over again, doing the same cords again. "When there's nowhere else to run, Is there room for one more sun? One more sun. If you can't hold on, If you can't hold on, Hold on.
I wanna stand up, I wanna let go. You know you know, you don't you don't. I wanna shout out in the hearts of man. I wanna mean it from the back of my broken hand. Another head aches, another heart breaks, I'm so much older than I can take. "Rave's mind drew a blank but kept twinkling the guitar and all of a sudden found himself in a good chorus instead and started to tweak the words together there instead, focusing on the song instead of the pain as good as it went. "Yeah, you know you gotta help me out, Yeah, oh don't you put me on the back burner. You know you gotta help me out, yeah. And when there's nowhere else to run, Is there room for one more sun? ""Is there angels, ain't changing me The gold hearted boy I used to be.
Yeah, you know you gotta help me out, Yeah, don't you put me on the back burner. You know you gotta help me out, yeah You're gonna bring yourself down, yeah You're gonna bring yourself down, yeah You're gonna bring yourself down, yeah"
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Post by Devon Eckes on Apr 20, 2009 15:30:08 GMT -6
A social network is a social structure made of nodes (which are generally individuals or organizations) that are tied by one or more specific types of interdependency, such as values, visions, ideas, financial exchange, friendship, sexual relationships, kinship, dislike, conflict or trade.
Devon had maybe read that same paragraph four times as his eyelids drooped. He'd jerk himself away and read it again, but to no avail.
From Rave's room he heard him playing and singing softly to himself. Some things fell into place in Devon's mind, and some things got disjointed. No matter what he did, there would be consequences, but maybe he was strong enough to take them now.
He got up, loaded his book bag so he didn't have to worry about it in the morning and shoved a chair under the front door before kicking off his shoes and heading for Rave's room.
"Can't study anymore." Devon said, pulling off his shirt as he crossed the room. "Don't want to talk, either. Tired of talking." He added as he dropped his pants and left them on the floor as he crossed the room. He leaned over Rave and kissed him tenderly, mindful of his bruises, and then got into 'his' side of the bed. "Catch the light, will you?" He asked.
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Post by Aiden "Rave" Hamilton on Apr 20, 2009 15:44:07 GMT -6
Rave had just started over on the lyrics to perfect them better instead of the choppy chords along with staggering words here and there when he heard movements out in the other room. Devon was still up? Probably studying. A part of him kind of felt sorry for him but he did say he wanted to do it on his own so, that's what Rave let him do. If he gave up, he'd come for help.
The music and singing had actually help relieve some of his stress and the pain had eased up a bit more as well, he had probably been sleeping a bit on that side before he woke up and put pressure on the cracked rib but it was all good now.. or, well as good as it could be at least.
He tried adding some other chords into the lyrics just as his door opened without as much as a knock, he was going to protest about it but the look on Devon's face made him stop with the inhale for talking.
Rave blinked and just looked at him as he pulled his shirt off and crossed the room, then his pants followed and that was all it took for Rave himself to react on what his friend wanted.
"okay"
He simply responded and met the tender kiss given to him, his heart skipped a beat right before it worked itself up to twice the speed by the cheer touch of his friend's skin just before he climbed over him to get to 'his' side of his bed.
Rave took the guitar and moved it from his belly to the guitar stand before he carefully leaned over and turned the light off then moved over to roll around and meet Devon's eyes in the dark room.
"pahts of it, o' all of it? ... cotton o' nails?"
He asked, mostly to know what Devon wanted, if he just wanted to lay there for a while or wanted the entire ordeal, hands tongue and what ever came to mind of doing. He used "cotton" as soft core, in other words just cuddling and holding each other close, and nails for the hard core which meant sex all through and through which they'd usually had, except for penetration of course but it was still more than just hugs and kisses.
Rave was laying on his left side, only wearing his boxers to begin with and made him equally clothed as Devon was right now. He couldn't help but run a hand over Devon's cheek and just watched him for a moment, for now waiting for his friend to make a move to show what he wanted instead of the other way around which it usually was.
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Post by Devon Eckes on Apr 20, 2009 15:56:43 GMT -6
"Your the injured party here, remember." Devon said, his hand brushing over Rave's battered eye. "Though this looks better now than it did.
"Mostly I'm just tired of fighting against myself and the whole world too. Tired of fighting against what's right between us while trying to fix what's wrong in ourselves." He sighed. "But I did figure out that being with you isn't a part of my addiction, well, not totally...sometimes I think I lapse, but, the guy said tonight that if you have a relationship in other areas and don't follow your rituals, then it's probably the real thing... Or something like that, that's how I interpreted it anyway. So, I don't know what we got here, but, it's real. Going to go with that for now. Don't know about the future. Just know about right now."
Funny, he thought, that's pretty much the same thing he said the first time they kissed.
"So, " He said looking dead into Rave's eyes. "You have to ask yourself if just right now is OK for you, because I honestly don't where my head will be in a week... And I don't want to hurt you by being some fuck wit, but I'm afraid I will. Really afraid I will. And I don't want to do that to you, I really don't."
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Post by Aiden "Rave" Hamilton on Apr 20, 2009 16:38:06 GMT -6
"I can deal as long as we dunn turn all bondage an' slap the monkey with whips on eachotha"
He said with a light grin and just looked into Devon's eyes when he carefully ran his hand over his injured eye. It didn't quite feel so bad at the moment but the pain killer probably did its own thing right now too.
"Dunn hurt as much right now eitha.."
He said then just ended up looking Devon in the eyes or just looking at him while he spoke about what had been said on the meetings. Usually they didn't ask or share what was said on them but right now, Rave just found himself listening.
What Devon was really saying was that he truly did feel something for him, that he had some sort of feeling of wanting to be with him in one way or another and he couldn't help but feel warm inside by hearing it and understanding it between the lines even if Devon didn't quite understand what he'd just said himself.
"Yoah said tha' befo', Dev... yoah remembah wha' my answer was?"
He paused for a moment and let his hand remain by Devon's cheek and neck.
"I said it didn't mattah as long as we 'ad a good time "right now"."
Rave repeated, meeting the look in Devon's eyes and couldn't help but smile a little when Devon once again warned him for not really knowing where his head would be in a few days.
"Devon... seriously. I've told yoah I wanta be with yoah bu' I'm no' forcin' yoah. If yoah just wanna keep it the way we 'ave it now, then fine. I can deal with tha' because it means I can at least 'ave a little paht of yoah. If yoah feel yoah want moah latah.. then that's great."
He paused for a moment, just looking into Devon's eyes as if he was searching for his soul in there, to find his true inner core for an answer his smile slowly faded before he spoke up again with a serious buy low tone of voice, soft as if he was speaking to a lover from the heart.
"... I think we ar good at 'urtin' eachotha now an' again by doin' things we dunn mean... we both regret it latah but we both keep fallin' back to eachotha too... tha's gotta mean somethin' dunn it? ... I'd say tha's a pretty strong bond ta keep too."
Rave pulled Devon closer and wrapped his arms around him for a while, to let him rest his head on his shoulder and just be embraced unless he himself lead it to something more than that but Rave just wanted to see how Devon would react to that and if it would ease his stress or not or if he really needed the sex as well. He couldn't help but kiss Devon on the top of his head.
"Thank yoah fo' carin' abou' my feelin's.. means alo' to me tha' yoah do say tha'... I think tha's one of the reasons why I trust yoah."
He paused a moment then smiled.
"tch... thought yoah said yoah didn't wanna talk?"
He teased a bit, holding his friend a bit closer.
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Post by Aiden "Rave" Hamilton on Apr 20, 2009 17:08:32 GMT -6
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